I Survived

Where Has Shelbey Been?!

Today makes a year since I had open heart surgery. It’s crazy to think that it’s been a whole year. Everything moved incredibly fast and I didn’t really have the space to process or prepare. So let’s start from the beginning.

Since about 2020, I had been tired. I had Covid a few times, I was severely depressed, I had gone through a really bad break up, my best friend died, and so many other things were going on. The way my body felt, made sense to me. Then my mom got sick, so I was stuck in fight or flight, against my will. Fast forward to the summer of 2023 and I was in the emergency room.

I went because I could barely walk without being extremely fatigued. Of course, as a Black woman, they immediately had a conversation about diabetes, my diet, and my weight. I was given meds, I had lost weight, changed my life around and still didn’t feel any better. Something else was obviously wrong!

I remember being at Rhinebeck Sheep and Wool and I had to take breaks every few steps because my heart was racing and I was short of breath. I called for a referral to a cardiologist and had an appointment a few weeks later. My cardiologist was absolutely amazing. He ran a bunch of tests, we talked about some options of what could be wrong. He eased my mind and let me know that no news was good news. If he didn’t call, I’d see him at my next appointment.

That next appointment was January 5, 2024. I walked into that appointment confident that no news, was in fact good news. I was wrong. I was diagnosed with an anomalous right artery. A congenial heart defect that I never knew I had. We talked about my options, open heart surgery was the ultimate fix. We both decided we would try meds first but if anything happened between that day and my next appointment, he would be calling the surgeon.

The drive home was strange. I had to wrap my mind around discovering a congenital heart defect at 30 years old. What would my mother say? What would life be like moving forward? I thought I had maybe a year or so before we were looking at surgery. I didn’t make it six weeks.

Valentine’s Day 2024, I was admitted to the hospital because I was showing signs of a cardiac emergency. I learned, on the day all about hearts, that mine needed to be fixed. This is when the fear was supposed to kick in but it never did. For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation and was now staring death right in its eye. There was a possibility I wouldn’t make it home. I couldn’t fear the thing I’d begged for most nights. I knew that whatever the outcome, I would either get what I’ve asked for or I’d get a second chance at life.

February 19, 2024 around 5am, I had a good cry. I prayed to my ancestors for calm. I made jokes as they rolled me into the surgery room. And then I got my second chance at life. I got to look death in the eye and say not yet! I remember waking up from surgery and immediately saying “I DID IT!”

So now that we are up to speed, I’ve spent the last year healing. Mentally and physically. I’ve been growing my book club and my YouTube channel. I’ve also been holding my breath for this day. It feels bigger than my birthday in ways I can’t really explain.

When I look back on my life in general, I can say that everything has prepared me for this journey. It’s proven that I’ve always been who I’ve been striving to be and I just couldn’t see it. All this time I’ve wanted to be strong and my body was keeping me alive with a defective heart and a brain malformation. I am who I’ve said I am this whole time.

I often think about how I never really felt afraid. There was this almost eery sense of calm that took over. That’s how I learned that faith doesn’t feel. Faith just is. I think I always knew I would survive, I just needed to get there. I knew panicking wouldn’t get me there any sooner, so I embraced the calm. I also had an amazing medical team, my family and my friends around me for support. I wouldn’t have survived this without them.

It’s been overwhelming having this new outlook on life. I now understand that everything can and will change at the blink of an eye. Whether you are prepared or not. So stop taking this life for granted. Be grateful for every moment you get to live. Even when you can’t make sense of all that is going on. Not many people get a second chance. So I’m going after all the things I want this time around. Without fear or apprehension, I know I can do whatever I put my mind to.